Wow! Been a bit since my last post...

Well, sorry to the two people following my exploits in the funeral business...my year has been really...non standard for me. A larger than life personal issue had me scrambling and I now have my life back under control.

Hmmmm.....a story for my return......how about.....things I have seen buried in a casket....

I'll list them and if an explanation is needed, I'll give one....


Pictures (of course)

Envelopes with letters in them

Fishing poles

Lures

Golf clubs

Golf balls (These scare the hell out of you if they fall into the bottom of the casket and roll around during transit. They roll and bump VERY loudly when going down steps at a church. It WILL make the pall bearers pause!)

Baseballs (see golf balls)

Stuffed animals...with an adult. This is surprisingly common for people who have lived in a memory assistance area in a nursing home. Basically they are given stuffed animals to feel comfortable.

Cremated remains of:
A spouse.
A deceased pet.
Two deceased husbands. This is my personal favorite.

Drug paraphernalia. Including but not limited to: meth and a meth pipe or pot
and pipe.

I once cremated a person whose family, during a private viewing, slipped three one hit pot pipes and two bongs in with the deceased. We found them later in the cremated remains. Our retort didn't burn hot enough to melt the glass. No one ever said pot makes you smart!

A six pack of Old Milwaukee and a case of Marlboro cigarettes. After viewing the death certificate, the deceased died from liver failure brought on by alcohol abuse and had an accompanying cause of COPD!

The caskets don't escape the oddities either:

Branding with a family branding iron. This is best done on a wood casket btw!

Customized caskets being built for the deceased by a family member. One guy did this for both his parents. The first one arrived almost late. We had to rush to get the person in and into the viewing room. The son then glued the detailing on the casket after the visitation...at 10:30 pm. The second one he made was HUGE. Too big to be put into a vault and he had to remove some wood. This was after he took measurements. Oh well...you can't fault his heart and good intentions, just his craftsmanship and punctuality!

There is a child's casket in a very light wood with minimal stain on it and you can provide the mourners with markers. Everyone can leave their name or a message. This one is actually pretty cool! I signed my name on the bottom on the foot end.

AAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNDDDDDDD....... a story!

I was standing in a cemetery after a committal service and was treated to a gang burial. The young gentleman was a former gang banger. He died in an industrial accident.

I'm a guy from a larger midwestern town, but I had ZERO experience with gangs. None. Unless you count seeing the movies Colors and New Jack City. All gangs were serious, violent and out to kill and deal. At least in my mind.

it is the policy of the funeral home to leave a person at the grave and witness the burial. So basically whoever drives the hearse is the witness. After the family and mourners have left for lunch or whatever we wait until the casket is lowered in the vault and the vault into the ground. Pretty straight forward. Me, the vault guy and the occasional cemetery worker.

Not today. Soon after the family left about six...associated materialized, and I'm talking I have no idea where they were standing in this huge open area that with no trees, and scared the holy hell outta me.

"Sir," one asked, "can we have a moment?"

"Sure", I said. I was still in a bit of shock at seeing these guys and would have let them ride the casket like a quarter-operated pony if they had asked.

With that, they put the deceased's colors (bandana) on the casket and poured...something on the casket. I'm an experienced drinker, but I couldn't figure what the hell this stuff was. It was in a 40 oz bottle, but it looked like pink beer and had a fruity smell to it. A Phillies Blunt went on next and a CD in a case. They all stood around for a bit and talked.

While they were waiting the liquid heated up (it was 90 degrees or so) and started to stink. I was standing a ways away and I noticed a bee or hornet land on the casket. Then another, then another. By the time the gang was done saying their goodbyes, they were almost getting chased by a swarm of bees! They left and we set a record vaulting and burying that casket. No stings, just a stink in the air. Thick, nasty and alluring to winged creatures. I still visit the grave when I'm in that cemetery and chuckle at the scene.



Well my beloved mourners, I must run for now! I'm going to try to organize my thoughts a bit more and get back to this page more often.

My condolences


The Director